Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
