Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
