Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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