i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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