Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
