She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
