I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can't turn off my feet"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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