Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
