so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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