If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
