I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
