just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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