The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
