My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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