We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
