I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
