feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
