we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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