i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
