I wish my penis had an off switch
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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