The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
