seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this will be a night to untag.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
