K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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