Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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