got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
