Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
