How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
