Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
