ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
