how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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