im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
and you fell through a lawn chair
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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