i will never coherently bang her
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
