sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
