FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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