I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
