A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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