So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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