At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
