before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
