Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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