My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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