I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
