FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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