Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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