you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
