Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
