My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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