probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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