its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
