So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
