Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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