my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
