Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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