hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
two words: eviction party
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
